As i mention that i'm close to signing the papers with my hb.. i've given up hope in this marriage to a point i feel really irritated and very unforgiving.
after months of being close with God, i tried to love him abit more but is not that easy.. the hurt and bitterness in me is so overwhelming.. i guess most people can understand what kind of pain that we go through in relationship and marriage.. we are living in different world, different priorities in life, different mindset on marriage and kids.. whatever i say he doesn't understand... whatever he tries to explain to me, i couldn't bottom in down.. there is no way we could talk or get along together.
when i first come to know Christ, i have made a promise to myself that i will marry a godly man. well i guess all christian do hope this way.. but things never got he way i wanted cause i didn't obey and let God take charge of my life. i married a man who doesn't love God.. a man that doesn't love God will not know how to love his wife and children the right way. that's explain why no matter how much i explain to him he will never understand.
for the past 5 years in my marriage, one of my prayers is salvation of my hb. i prayed that he will come to know Jesus Christ and our marriage will be transform.
on chirstmas day of 2011, as i have decide to commit my life to Him once again, God did something amazing. He touched my hb heart on that day and he accept Jesus Christ as his Lord as Saviour. The moment he accepted, i felt God is smiling at me saying "I do love you and your family"
Things start to change... my hb start to change the way he does his things, the way he treat kids even the way he talk! seriously u never thought that the voice of your love one could changes under the power of God's love.
He start spending time with the Lord, reading his bible very soon our favorite past time is no longer watching tv, snacking or arguing.. We spent most of our time together reading the bible, talking about God and sharing our latest insights of God, listen to worship songs. Well most of the time i'm the one sharing cause he is still a new christian. but for sure we does enjoy time spending with God in such a way of fellowship.
we used to fight over silly problems but what is the real thing that makes us angry is what we say.. we pick over what words we used, what does it means by this and so on. this will never end. his perspective and my perspective is so different. he thinks is acceptable but i don't think is acceptable. example: i find "up to you" very offending but he finds nothing wrong at all. he feel "whatever" is very offending but to me what's wrong with that?!
we had never ending argument and by the time one of us finally give and and apologise, is way too late as our anger is boiling madly in us that we refused to forgive. and we will just let it be till the next argument and it repeats all over again...
then the new challenge comes when we start arguing after two weeks. alot of our past hurts starts to surface out.. well, i ask God again why is this happening? seems like repeating the same old problem all over again. Then i hear God whisper to me "Daughter, this is the healing process.."
After hearing that, i apologise to my hb and we ended the argument by sharing what God's has ahead for us. problem has resolved. we made a point to let God take charge of this argument and let the healing process work in us. From then till now, we had lesser argument and no more silly argument over who say this and that.
When we decide to let God take charge of our marriage, blessings came pouring over us.. i believe God has been healing us every time we disagree to something. God has shown me that i seek comfort in the wrong place.. seeking comfort in my hb is the worse thing i could have done cause he is badly hurt by me as well. i learn to seek God whenever i'm upset with my hb and God has healed me. I manage to face my hb in a more loving way then me and my selfish self.
for the past few months, God has helped us to forgive each other and love each other like how he love us.
our perspective of marriage has changed. no longer asking something in return from each other.
he has shown me that at some point i did hurt my hb badly but i thought i'm the right one. i've learn to accept that i'm at fault as well. Some times we feel we are right but it doesn't mean is right in the eyes of God.
the more we are close to God, the more we are able to love each other. i really do enjoy my marriage with God involved. is a real blessings to us...
i used to think once trust in marriage is broken, there is no way that we could mend it again. when we come to a point when we feel we don't need each other is as good as divorce.
now God has prove to me that nothing is impossible for him if we trust in Him.. God has balance our perspective and priorities so we can be in unity as a couple before Him.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and not lean on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.
Proverb 3:5-6
