I wish...

This is gonna be a very emo post...
I need to let out.. Seriously is making me really miserable..
I don't know why am I in such a state now..
Why can everyone enjoy the excitement of a baby joining the family but i couldn't..
There is too much problem that is robbing my excitement and happiness of being a mother..
Again and again problem keep coming..
Making me feel that baby shouldn't come to this world..
Im not done with the guilt I had for Isaiah and I have to handle another guilty feeling i'm having for baby E.
I'm not happy being a mother like this.. I hate myself for having such thought for my babies.
I failed to protect them from negative remarks from others..
Especially for baby E, too much things is happening and makes me chicken out right now..
I don't have the courage to bring him to this world at this moment..
I hope clock will stop ticking, at least give myself some time to make myself strong again.
I have been hanging on.. Hanging on to peoples comment.. I'm trying to stay strong..
But right now I'm breaking down.. No one can give me a listening ear..
I have long lost my support pillar.. The one that I'm deeply in love with before..
The pillar might be still there but I could no longer feel it.
We are not on the same stand. Striving for the same goal.
I feel I'm all left alone...
Till today, I'm left with 5 days to go.. I thought I can continue to hang on..
But I failed to do so... I hate breaking down at this time.. But I have no choice..
I'm tired on walking on my own.. I guess everyone will be tired after a long long walk..
Everything that is happening is not only hurting me.. Is hurting Isaiah and Baby Ezekiel.. Hurting my parents.. Hurting my
happy marriage and home.. And I failed to protect all these.. I have pull through 3 years of fingers pointing, gossiping and people looking down at me.. Why?! Why am I being so affected at this time!
My feelings and emotion is in a mess now.. I don't know how to face everything.. I don't know how to face my babies.. I feel so sorry for them.. I wish I can sort this out really quick and get back to my feet.. But I doubt I'm able to do that quick enough before ezekiel join us.. All I wish for is not to let me bring this into my new phrase of life which is impossible...

I really regret not handling this well enough and in time to stop this thing from happening and hurt people who loves me..
Now I know why people who loves me starts hating me..
I've been siding them too much since day 1. Speak good words for them and ended up hurting myself again and again..
All I have done is for someone I love..
But today I finally know, it hurts to see your love one being hurt by someone else.. Indirectly i'm hurting those who loves me..

I wish everything will come to an end.. Whatever end is that I want it to come to an end..
I will do everything to change this whole situtation and put a stop to this miserable days I'm having..
I will settle everything that is causing this pain that is brought to me and eventually to my babies.. I will solve it one by one.. Is just the matter of time..

To him,
I know everything is so messy right now..
I know you can't accept what I have said to you..
I just want to let you know I appreciate what you have done for us.
But I wish you can do more to protect us emotionally..
I don't know how should I face you in the future. But I wish we are still able to pull through this together.

Things will not be that bad if we handle it well enough. And the day I fear finally arrive..

You are angry of the comments I made.. But I just hope u can wake up and understand what am I feeling right now..
I just wish they can show you more concern.
You are very protective of them and turn your back towards me. It hurts me..
I never want you to start any arguement with them but I wish you can spare more thoughts for me..
They have given me enough hurt.. And till today you hate me that I think they are hurting me..
Is making me miserable.. You can never understand how I feel..
To you, they are right.. I'm just being sensitive and being unreasonable and not understanding them enough..
I wish you know.. What we need is not them but you.. But it will never be possible if your heart is not with us..

Everyone is helping us.. But you are protecting them. This is not only hurting me now.. Is already hurting the people who loves me.. Is totally unfair..
It doesn't matter how much help is given, what really matters is what comes from the heart..

Those scolding and quarrels that happen all this while is for a reason..
I don't need you to change.. To me, you are good enough.. I just wish you can grow up more and become stronger for us.
But again and again, quarrels and talks doesn't improve anything.. In fact it worsens everything in between us..

I just want to let you know I'm at the lost end already.. I really really feel like giving up cause I really don't know what else I can do.

I am someone that needs love and concern too.. I couldn't do what I should do in daily life without such support..
One day I might just put down everything and leave..

Lastly, i seriously feel that you have something in your mind that is more important than us.. Something that you will never choose to give up.. This is enough to convince me that everything I've done is not able to stop you from that.
Is not wrong at all, but I wish you can handle the problems and family better before you put your mind and time on anything else.

To them,
I don't expect anything from all of you.
Since day 1 I'm deeply hurt by everything.
Maybe this is not done on purpose but till today nothing has changed.
I just wish that more concern can be shown to your child..
Is just the matter of concern..
Everything is repeating again.. I don't mind that what is happening is hurting me.. Is not the first time..
Maybe I'm thinking too much and you doesn't have the intention to do that..
I wish I can hate all of you.. For causing me to have such a bitterness..
Especially now when bitterness have grown to such extend..
But I couldn't hate all of you! For I love him, so I have to swallow my tears and bear with it..
The pain and hurt caused from day 1 is making me too miserable..
Am I thinking too much? Or am i being so sensitive? I have never felt so upset..
I choose to avoid all of you.. To stop myself from getting hurt..
But now, this method no longer can avoid hurting me..

Since today what shouldn't happen has happen.. I don't have to continue to hide my pain and hurt in my heart all this while..
Is enough.... Everything is enough....

Lady In Bliss - iPhone